Spirituality To Me
As far as I can remember, I was always a spiritual person. I remember when I was 12 I wrote an indepth paragraph on how I believed that God was the universe. I wrote in depth on the topic of energy and how I believed that God is just an energy source. I wrote about how things were created and why they were created. Atoms, Molecules, Energy, I guess it didn't really matter if I fully understood it or not. I just knew that it was something I believed to be important. I knew that as long as my morals matched my actions than I didn't really care what the Bible had to say. Those are complex thoughts for middle schoolers so when people read that response of "I probably don't believe in god the same way you do" It left a distasteful flavor in peoples mouth and they told the school I did witchcraft.... SERIOUSLY?? I go in depth on the topic of God and how I do believe in him and it gets chopped down to "witch" BRUH?? I always kept the same opinion. Even now; I still agree with that sentiment. God is Energy. I wasn't fully living my childhood life integrating spirituality. I was just a spiritual person. Weird things would happen, I would shrug it off. I had a pretty inflated ego too. I was very egotistical especially in high school but mainly because I just assumed I was better than everybody. I was smarter, funnier, and clearly more confident. I took advantage of it- and I took advantage of the people around me. I would overwork myself to the point of overdue. I was in love with a guy who literally cried to me every single night about his problems that avoid me randomly. And we would fight like hell. A big reason "ITS BECAUSE HE IS HOT" but another reason "I just cared". I will say he was the first person I can realistically say that I was in love with but that shit was difficult. I was difficult; he was also difficult. It was not a good time for ANYONE invovled. My ego was inflated. My friend group probably secretly hated me but kept me around because maybe they wanted to fuck? who knows. My family members were passing away likes flies. I was working full time, in college, in high school getting my degree while also full on drugs. YUP I was either hitting that good ol nicotime juuls, drunk, or high out of my mind on adderals/xans/whatever else who knows. I guess the details are a bit blurry but I remember it was something like this; I went on a vacation to California. Why? I was invited to go of course! My ego was FAT and this shit only made it FATTER. I was essentially a BROKE PRINCESS. Then alot of shit happened ect ect none of that matters but what did matter was. I reflected. I went by the ocean and started reflecting. I started reflecting so fucking hard I realized...holy shit this guy kind of fucking sucks. I am overworking myself. I am unhappy. My friend group are all pussies and dicks just as egotistical as me. I WAS INFLATED. I was destroying friendships/groups. I was saying out of pocket shit to everyone. I was running around like the world was my pedestal and everyone else was living in it except....I hated my fucking life. I wanted to die. I was so unhappy. And what so you do when you realize all this stuff? YOU DROP EVERYONE. I DID AND IT WAS HARD AND IT HURT AND I WAS IN MY PAIN THAN I WAS COPIN IN BUT... I restarted my life in a different direction. This time I went down a easier route, got a normal job, kept going to college, dated a pretty nice normal guy. I took the easier route; the simpler route; the cleaner route; I stopped doing drugs, I was gaining weight like shit, but I was healthier (not really actually my health was declining but I TRIED to follow the right route- take birth control, eat healthy, ect) But something in me still felt...unsatisified. You'd think that life style would be better. you know? who wouldn't want to date a rich youtuber while you work towards your college degree and are able to work wherever you want and stream. But no that doesn't cut it. People don't get that. I wasn't spiritually happy at all and honestly I was dissociated out. I was heavily dissociated. I wasn't following my soul; I wasn't listening until it hit me. *BOOM* "if you choose this life, you will be miserable forever" that thought hit me like a pound of bricks. It lingered and had its grasp around my neck. I knew it was right. I knew that voice in my head to even come to that conclusion was....right. I was never made to work a 9-5. I sure am not made to be someone who just gets married to a man, settle, and have his kids while giving up my own autonomy. I started fantastizing and It clicked. I really wanted to adopt kids, move out of the country, get married, live in a city, do things I love, and have a house husband? seriously... a house husband? But in my head- it made sense. I struggle with routine and sometimes smaller things like chores because of my own mental health issues but if I had someone who could just chill back and help me that would make my life so much easier. That would be the ideal relationship for future me. And it was something I even mentioned to my ex like - yo lol i want to adopt and he immediately going lol no i could never love an adoptive child. That shit HITS. But it was also an eye opener and also terrifying because I just lost myself completely and now I am trying to find myself while in a whole different deal of bullshit having to leave someone I currently loved at the time for an ideal of a partner that I DIDNT EVEN KNOW COULD OR WOULD EXIST AT THE TIME. FYI MOST PEOPLE WOULDVE JUST STAYED OUT OF COMFORTABLITY. My dumbass is like "lol no i will actually role a double and find this perfect partner and live happily ever after. SURE. WHATEVER. But this is really when spirituality started taking me by the balls and beating my ass. I mean PELTING ME. I find a soulmate - welp nvm you gotta let that go. OK BOOM a karmic welp gotta let that go to. It was a whole entire ride. I mean ego death- to ego death- to spirit numbers finding clicking in my head- to learning about manifesting- to fighting with my own subconcious- SHIT I EVEN FOUGHT MY OWN GUIDES LOL. I learned tarot- I started experincing things happening in real time and I started well.. living again in all honesty. I don't know the last time I dissociated out for months but I do know now that I can listen to music and just allow myself to cry. I know now that I can just meditate and I know now that maybe hope is really the most positive thing we can reach for. I don't know what my future holds but hopefully it's a hot husband LOL jokes aside; this is the main intro piece to spirituality. Different segments will be - soul relationships/ angel numbers/ tarot guide/ and other stuff coming soon. I am glad to share this piece of my world. and also- listen to sleep affirmations thank me later.