━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━ SUFFY'S THOUGHTS ━━━⊱⋆⊰━━━

This is where I will hide some of my thoughts and stuff; feel free to read. I will add a trigger warning for any thoughts I think need them or atleast try my best! Just a thought....

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October 22th

I finally got back home from twitchcon and honestly, it was okay. As okay as a convention can be. I think their was way too much fearmongering around security - it's security team was the same as going to an other event or concert. I didn't go to any parties because I am just not that kind of person anymore maybe if I was still 18 I would've went out of my way to network and hangout. But, I am getting older and I am not as implusive anymore. I think that's something I have learned about myself- I am not as implusive as I was when I was a kid although people think I am. Sure I am willing to do questionable things that seem implusive to others but with good enough reason for me; I know it's not. I am a very logical and emotional person so I live somewhere in the middle. I am always aware of an outcome or aware of how things will go but people underestimate that because I don't always say everything I am thinking or feeling. I keep alot of things internal but that's because I am always in thought. I do eat the words that my friends give to me and sometimes those words suck but I get it. I don't think they realize how successful I will be either. ANYWAYS off that tangent. I do think twitchcon was okay; I would only go again if I was a partner. but yup that's my main thoughts at this moment. I have to go back to work and edit now.

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October 14th

I have been super stressed out lately mainly because I want to get all my work done and I wasn’t expecting for my account to get a rush of new followers and viewers- Is it good or bad timing, I am unsure but what I am sure is that… people really underestimate how much time I put into my work or things in general. I spend hours editing, I had to teach myself pretty much how to edit aside a bit of help from a past person in my life on how to cutt videos but even then I was bad at it. I spent years on my craft and I still am not that confident in myself. I just think it’s crazy to me that I mention how it’s alot of mental strain because I really didn’t know I was going to be bimbarded with dms and comments and it’s like a shrug from my friends. I am trying very hard not to stress over twitchcon but I really am stressed from flights to even going to the convention. I think it’s also just been long enough that I need to face the music and I think that’s the scariest part. I know I need to relax and not stress out too much: everything will work out but also… I just been trying to mentally prepare myself for this for awhile now.

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Early Morning October 8th

Did you know when you have stored up anxiety that it can sit in different parts of your body? Well, I always somehow get it in my mouth literally- I will start chewing on my tongue and if im not doing that; I will get a bad jaw clenching. I know I have TMJ which is essentially like so much pressure on your jaw from the bones sliding against eachother or some shit like that which makes you barely able to open your mouth. ITS REALLY PAINFUL like REALLY PAINFUL. I can't really chew on gum or any foods for a long amount of time and I definetly can't have my mouth fully open either. I know I spoke to a few doctors about my case in particular and they just said... "jaw surgery" and i'm like NOPE I am too scared of ANY kind of surgery like the idea of someone operating on my body while I am fully unconcious and usually naked I THINK? (idk never really had physical issues mainly mental) that I DONT KNOW IF I COULD RISK IT. Unless, they tell me that it's life or death...welp suddenly my jaw doesn't hurt so bad LOL. BUT YEA! I have been feeling SUPER anxious so if you know me, give me a squish toy LOL

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Late Night Thoughts- October 8th

//Trigger Warning for ED, Body Dsymorphia, and Depression\\ I have alot of issues with my appearance and I always have. I think it’s my body dysmorphia or just my past eating issues but everytime I look at myself I don’t know how to feel. I am pretty ? maybe? I don’t really know? I am fat? maybe? I don’t really know? I am ugly? maybe? I don’t really know. But a part of me hates my appearance. I don’t compare my looks to others, I don’t really care nor sexualize people because I am very much asexual but… I look at people and they are just human no matter their weight, size, appearance, or gender identity. I really just don’t see that attractive or unattractiveness. I always liked the oddities like messed up teeth or things that make someone appearances slightly different than others. I dated a guy who had a random gray streak in his hair.. we were like 16 so it was different. So i’m always like intrigued by those things but when it comes to myself, I am super harsh. I remember having a conversation with my friends and they were like “manifesting suffy is like manifesting a 10/10 but then her debuff is the depression” and they are so fucking right. I don’t even have a low self esteem because my confidence is pretty up there but my appearance has always been an issue. But it’s a mental struggle- I wish I could see myself from someone else’s view but maybe I would hate my body even more if I actually did. I don’t know…. like i’m sure my future partner will be laying next to me in bed one day and won’t even care that much about my figure but I know that I always unfortunately will.

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Yappin- October 7th

ah oh I forgor to write.... welp I worked on the website today and it's october 7th so thats like pretty cool. I have made alot of progress on this website which makes me pretty proud watching it all come together. I am almost done adding all the sections and then I guess I will just use this as a place to make updates and write about things that come to my mind; my dreams, my goals, thoughts, idk. but yerrrr let's get it!!