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I am setting up some stuff for my twitcharoooonoooo and also my new content as I am going to start recording and editing stuff. I think for my mental health - I am just going to stream two times per week and then focus on posting. Maiinly because streaming kind of does nothing like its complimentary but also because post is more priority. I am doing a challenge type thing for this new channel so I am going to have like a week or two of videos ahead of time before I start posting. However, I have been gettin everything else prepared. I am just taking my timeeee... Suffy however, is dead. I do need to make the last video but man I have no motivation to edit that at all. I am so out of editor brain. The nice thing is though- this new channel will need bare minimum editing and mainly just scripting which I EXCEL at.
Mine
By Sleep Token. ( been on my repeat all day )
I HAVE BEEN HAVING STRANGE DREAMS FOR TWO WEEKS TWO WEEKS STRAIGHT. WHAT DOES THE UNIVERSE WANT FROM ME??????
I don't know man, these tarot cards keep saying that someone from my past is coming back and its all happy go lucky ass cards. Saying my luck is good and that the universe is in my favor.... that sounds like a THREAT to me okay. SOUNDS LIKE A THREAT. O k and then the cards being like " use ur intuition" girllll I BEEN HAVING 10 DREAMS PER NIGHT ALL VIVID, ALL OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE FROM MY PAST, ALL HAUNTNG ME. NO I WILL NOT USE MY INTUITION BC IF ITS ANY OF THOSE FUCKERS I WILL CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP OK?? OK :D
I was sitting in my car today in the sun and I had a bright realization- I need a best friend IRL like I need someone to go to the gym with, go kayaking with, go arcades with, go mall with. I need a best friend. I think like when it comes down to it - I just need money and an IRL friend to do shit with. Literally, I need someone who wants to go to concerts, drive around at 2am, maybe even IRL stream with. Like- I thought for awhile I needed a partner but lowkey fuck that shiiiii, I need a besttieeeeee to fuck the summer up with. Like girllll the boat is calling and it's time to go tubing.
I have been thinking about what has happened in the recent months of my life because it made me really sad.
So essentially TDLR: I told someone how I felt about them but before I did that I told them about how I have a spiritual connection with someone and it's terrorizing my life. (trust I went to a therapist about this, I tried to get a diagonsed, they said it is NOT psychosis- it is NOT mania- and it is NOT schizophernia so I guess this is just my reality or whatever the fuck) I'm pretty sure that made them like completely weirded out by me ngl that's probably the right response. I was super super sad over it because I genuinely loved the guy like I was honest. Maybe too honest? Um but I was thinking about this because I told my friend about this over a call when it was happening. We both had our webcams on and I told them like story and the names of the people and the context.... and when I tell you... the shock on their face of just "wtf???" "only that would happen to you"
Well I think looking back on the whole thing now, it's kind of funny because of how ABSURD the entire situation is. And how that shit would ONLY HAPPEN TO SOMEONE LIKE ME.
Like a normal person would NOT have the lore to comprehend that shit and I think it was better that the guy rejected me because it's makes the story more intense and dramatic compared to if he would've just folded.
Anyways, I think I am over the situation now like my feelings have mellowed out for the person- I guess I just had to find the humor in the bad luck or whatever.
I guess you can call that a
bizarre adventure.
I am so cold and tired. I am ready to sleep and its only 8pm. mfing grandpa atp :(
Man, these tarot readings keep saying someone from my past is coming back and that gives me anxiety. Because, anyone from my past romantically has hurt me pretty bad idk. I am just kind of mentally checked out at this point. It's a nice thought that you can find someone good for you, but I kinda am losing fate in all that. I never had issues manifesting before but this has been like an entire year... Vision boards, Scripting, ECT. It's clearly getting me nowhere.
LMAOOO THERE IS SOMETHING GENUINELY WRONG WITH ME LIKE
SOME DUDE TEXTED ME "GOODMORNING c:", I LOOKED AT IT, AND WAS LIKE IMMA BLOCK HIM.
I DIDNT LIKE THE FACT THAT HE TEXTED GOODMORNING TO ME
SO I REMOVED HIM COMPLETELY.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WTFFFF IS MY BRAIN?
planning...
I got bored of my roster so I got rid of them but I have just been diddle and daddling around. I am not closed off to dating but I have always had pretty high standards anyways. I am sure I probably would just give a man a headache by knowning I won't consider even kissing them until the third date. Let alone actually commiting unless they ask. I think when it comes to online stuff though - I want to meet pretty early on like I am not trying to have a strictly online relationship. I would much rather stuff be in real life. Also situationships are confusing so I tend to just cut it clean fast. Like, if im confused than well ggs if I don't know you that well. If it someone I care about than I will def try to fix it but once I walk away, it's dead for me.
Recently, I watched this older movie unironically off the old VHS verison and It made me pretty happy. Well, mainly because I decided that if god is going to send me my person or confirm it than that person will reference that specific thing in the movie. Also, the movie was just GREAT. Like, I could def relate to the main character !! So I think I enjoyed it even more because of that - It's probably one of my top favorite movies next to shrek, spiderverse, scott pilgrim, and entergalatic.
I have really been in the mood of just cutting people off. Like if I hear some shit about someone that I am not close with and I have zero intentions on being close with- I just straight up unfriend. Like.... I do not need unwanted energy in my facilaty. Plus, I just been running strict and I can't be bothered dealing with people. But, whatevr I been working out pretty well so I am going to buy myself some lobster and crab to cook for dinner tonight and I am going to ENDULGE myself in it.
I went on a deep dive today about people who have mania and psychosis. Like how episodes are created and how people react in them. I honestly feel so bad that people have to go through stuff like that. thankfully, I never had and hopefully never will ( I dont have bipolar disorder) But as someone who gets depressive episodes and who was once in a two year long derealization episode- I am sure that those who experience it probably come out of it terrified. I cant even fully imagine being in a state where you are just so extremely detached from yourself. Like in a derealization episode- I can atleast tell that I am in it by suddle things like if I get hurt and I can't physically feel it than I know i'm dissociating. But... a whole entire mental breakdown? I don't know that sounds intense. I always wondered like how does that happen- to the point where the person literally loses all autonomy of themselves.
So I did a huge energy cleanse and now I have a roster teehee oops :p
Shower thought.
I was thinking about content creation because that's usually the only thing on my mind really. I remember when I was looking for a reason why I should continue making content- I reached out to a friend. He was also going through the same thing and his main advice was just keep doing it. Now, I get the advice he was giving 100% HOWEVER, I was thinking in depth about the choices that could've been made and what the right choice is.
On Paper, you have three answers.
Quit Entirely.
Double Down by Expanding it.
Pivot Elsewhere.
Most people choose one of the three.
However, their is most definetly a fourth choice.... All three at the same time. Retiring what once was, Double downing/Expanding the Pivot even harder. Think about it, you already have the knowledge. You already have some level of success in this thing right? And if you post on social media than you should have realistically learned a bit about how to grow a brand/channel. MEANING; Changing lanes might actually be the thing that redrives your spark entirely and builds your brand even more heavily. The only way to survive is through adaptation. If you move to a new environment and you don't have food/ect than you'd have to harvest and look for it no? So why not... do the same thing elsewhere?
See the issue is called the sunk cost fallacy. You have already invested so much time and fruit into your labor that changing or reinventing sounds scary. But do you think millionaires are just sitting in their room not constantly adjusting on how to gain more money or build more assets? Do you think that someone who is fine with a 9-5 is actively going to be someone who causes change? FUCK NO. I can't think of a lead who just sat around and said.... you know what? nah I am not going to cause chaos in some way. People LOVE that shit- they love when you go against the norm because THEY WONT GO AGAINST THE NORM. It's what makes something revolutionary - if it was normal and just the way it's always been than.. it wouldn't even be that impactful.
And no- I am not saying that choosing the easier already created route is bad or should be looked down upon. I am saying that the route is the safest and some people 100% would rather choose safety than liability. Some people wake up and they are completely fine with being a normal 9-5 worker ot living in the roles they created for themselves.
But, from my own experience - Changing and making changes and choosing growth leads to places that are unexplored and usually....more aligned anyways.
Ugh I was thinking and honest their is no man in this world who could touch my heart the way Mikey Sano has. He is just so perfect like even when he is a terrible person. Even when he kills all of his friends, even when he causes chaos. He is just so so perfect. Especially with his black hair like manila mikey has me in a CHOKEHOLD I LOVE THAT MAN SO MUCH UNTIL THE DAY I DIE AND THATS WHY HE IS TATTED ON ME. He could never disappoint ever.
I went to the store today and of course an old coworker ended up in line infront of me. He recognized me and started telling me how he was doing - He clearly lost a ton of weight and I barely recognized him. He said that he got a girlfriend and that they are getting married. He said they also are having a kid. I was kind of taken a back like woah ok... I wasn't expecting that. That guy literally like.... I don't now to explain it but he was super focused on college and living with his parents. So I was kind of shocked when he started saying all of that. I was like damn... bro looks happy and everything is going good for him. Must be nice.
I think I am going to focus heavily on finishing my poetry book this week and then doing presales! I am pretty confident about to cover, title, index, ect. I just have a good amount of poems that I need to write and insert into it. After I finish that poetry book, I would like to make a short story dream book. After that, probably the again series into an actual series as well as a short animated film to go with it. Then lastly, I would like to make a self help book about spirituality and all of that jazz. I know it's kind of all different genres but I am a complex individual so I think its complimentary of me as a person. I really want to start focus heavily on my creativity since I stepped away from content creation. Actually, I kind of am getting a craving to start making content again but in three seperate genres. I know I kind of am insane HOWEVER- I do this thing where I get excited for a project and I just GRIND like DEAD GRIND NOTHING ELSE. I just lock the fuck in and then no one can get a hold of me for a week because I get so focued on a specific thing. Hyperfixation type shiiii - But yea also MUSIC. I want to make an ALBUM. That's also something I would like to do. I am working out pretty heavily and counting my calories because I want to do a photoshoot soon and I want to look hot duhhh!
Jaws By Sleep Token
I started playing valorant again. I don't know why I keep ending up on that god forsaken game. I guess a part of me kind of just lives there. You know? Like it's one of those games that has been a huge part of my life. I love it and hate it at the same time.
I just looked at the metrics and apparently the sit has been getting around 100 views per day which is nice. I am glad that it's growing because prior I had it set as 18+ so It wasn't being recommended but now it is in the recommendation section on neocities. I have been working on this wesbite for about 7 months now. I created it because I genuninely was super bored but then I got an editing gig at the same time I started working on this. I think it's nice to look back and now that I was able to create something worth looking back on. I mean, sure you can edit 100 videos or post 100 things but they dont always have sentimental value. Alot of things get left in the abyss of social media. I mean alot of post are just....slop? unrememeberable slop. So I hope my website gives whoever visit it a sense of creativity and inspiration. To write, to create, to just be.
I was making breakfast for me and my mom like I do every morning. I tend to make these really good peanut butter smoothies that she loves because she ask me to make them for her daily. Sometimes, I prefer to drink coffee in the morning so I will use the left over smoothie to make myself a smoothie bowl with oats and chocolate chips. Kind of cracked. Kind of better than literally any sweets you can buy on the markets. I mean RAW sugar from the source.
While, I was making these I had a thought run across my mind like a rabbit running through a field. The world is so so small. I mean, everyone is connected to everyone. There is this theory that you are always two connections away from someone and I don't think it's that far off. Even roblox made a game that would show your connections and how far/close you are from another player.
But, I really had this thought mainly because I had a converstation with an older friend and I asked them in particular if they knew someone. To my surprise, they did. Not only DID they - that person ALMOST ended up becoming part of my friendgroup at the time. But due to an event, that connection was never fully realized. Which makes you think, one different event. One butterfly effect moment, could be the one difference in your entire life that changes everything.
NOT JUST THAT- But ONE SINGLE CONNECTION could lead you down an entire rabbit hole. Like, the alice and wonderland franchise. Think about it. Everyone thought that the mad hatter was insane but he was also one of the only NORMAL humans living in this weird situation with talking animals and doors. Wouldn't that drive anyone insane? I mean really think about it.
The actor- Jim Carrey is known for being a mastermind in acting. One of the greatest actors of our times. Yet, everyone thinks he is insane because he SPEAKS about the truth of reality. People watched the movie "The TruMan Show" and they clapped at the end of it not even being able to inhale the actual meaning of that movie. Similar to something like, Everything Everywhere All at Once. But, the watchers only were able to understand the cute section about "I want to do laundry with you in every lifetime" but missing the entire actual point of everything else that was going on.
The watchers can only understand SO MUCH to the point where it starts to becomes too much capacity wise to hold. It's why everything is always dumbdowned. THINK -
"About 130 million U.S. adults (54% of those aged 16–74) read below a sixth-grade level"
So do you really think the average individual could UNDERSTAND what most directors are trying to convey?
I use to be HUGE into the anime community and I can tell you those fuckers were reading the MANGAS WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED. I STILL BELIEVE THAT TO THIS DAY. BECAUSE NO WAY- let me not start ranting. But, I promise those people were pretty much braindead when it came to literature comprehension. So if they couldn't understand a story that's primarily photos and text- I doubt they could understand something even if directly spoken to them.
This rant kind of lead nowhere to be honest. More so - everyone is connected. people think too small. the answers aren't even hidden.
In Loving Memory By First and Forever
Somethimes I think when I speak about spirituality to people it comes off like this video bruh
like... I imagine this LOL
I use to listen to this artist alot in high school. His name is Roy Woods and he is canadian. It's a throwback for me, forsure.
Something New by Roy Woods.
my new motto for mental health, real eyes, realize, real lies.... sit with that one for a minute LMAO
Highkey, I just dont get how people don't get over their exs like how are you sitting there at 5 years still assuming that the person is even slightly still the same. how would you even know the person you use to know is even there anymore? Maybe it's because I treat every breakup like a funeral and I just simply move on without ever contacting the person again once I realize like it's done done. I just don't get it. I was exploring this topic on tiktok today called limerance and I was thinking how it sounds like absolute hell. Like shit I know my crushes are intense but that limerance shit sounds way worse im ngl. it's like similar symptoms but iit just sounds intense like I found out about OCD thinking and Im like man I think alot in circles but some of the involuntary thoughts people have are kind of terrifying - tf u mean u think u are going to die because you forgot to brush ur teeth, that sounds exhausting.
Creep by Anuc LMAOOOOOO