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I am so cooked. I miss him.
Side note; My dad asked me recently why I have not been speaking much. My uncle pointed it out at dinner a couple days ago something like "you dont talk to people much huh?" I think it's because he saw my phone and that it was completely empty. Tbh, I don't really have the capacity I use to when it comes to talking. I have been losing my patience but not only that - I feel like I am becoming more mute. Alot of the converstations I have stem in my own head. Obviously, I don't hear voices or anything like that. More like, ill be talking to someone and then I will respond in my head forgetting to speak out loud. Also, I just sometimes feel like a bad friend because people reach out to me and I hardly reach out to anyone. I think it's the expectation of being an "attractive young lady" to have a bussling phone full of people. I don't think making friends is hard. I dont think getting a roster is hard. I feel like distractions are super easy to find. I just dont have the patience to be in a friend group and deal with their drama. I just dont have the patience to train multiple men how to be decent human beings. like cmon why you playing in my damn phone. I guess that's probably like super lonely or isolating or whatever. But, if I wanted it; it's not that hard to find. I just... don't really know. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't have anything to say. Not anymore really.
HABLAME DE TI By BANDA MS
I been working out pretty frequently and I checked my weight today. I am down 10 pounds - nice. I been really hitting the gym. I think I should take rest days but really, I don't feel any strain on my body YET so I am going to keep going until I wake up one day entirely drained.
I also wanted to add more thoughts from my rant from the other day. Particularly a story about a man I met while I was working at a fast food resturant when I was 18.
I was working at a fast food joint for about three years. Normally, this isn't a job I would've choosen for myself but I started working there out of spite for an ex. He pretty much told me that I was "too much of a princess" and that I couldn't last a "week working a real job" so to put his foot in his mouth. I got the job there, paid for one of our dates with the money I made from my check, and made him apologize to me. I really fucking hate when people put me into boxes or try to tell me who I am. Clearly, you are missing me as a person. Anyways- I was working there. A couple of funny stories I have like....
One time out electricity went out and a dumb customer told us to turn it back on.... and then one of the machines or something broke backing up liters of oil all over the floor we had to clean up. I remember one time an old man literally sat in the drive through eating his fries and then he knocked on the window to ask for a refill.... seriously?
Anyways thats still off topic - main topic is... I met a man there. He was very tall and very bubbly. I mean this guy's aura was like butterflies surronding him, he was glowing yellow. Well, we became friends almost immediately like we started talking and we would spend our entire work days just yapping about things. He would tell me how he was living apart of a church and that the family he was currently staying with were super homophobic. He was very very very not straight...like obviously not straight. However, the church of course didn't know neither did the family he was living with. Also, their daughter was bisexual but the family didn't know that either. I became kind of close with them like we went out and went to a drag bar. I also just would hangout with them and we would all wear huge furcoats and act all boujee and shit like we weren't working at a mfing fast food place LOL.
He just was super cool. I don't think I could explain him any better than just a ball of light. Well, He would tell me in depth about how he wanted to live in LA and become an actor. He would tell me how he wanted to make and album and be on tv and just do something with his life. I remember looking at him and I told him "dude, out of anyone who could make it - it's definetly you. You just have that thing to you alot of people don't. I believe in you" and I remember his voice cracking a bit and him pretty much telling me that no one ever told him that they believed in him. Which was insane in my head because.....why wouldn't they?
We eventually lost touch once he left from my homestate.
And one day, I was scrolling on tiktok and I seen a viral video of HIM. He was on an episode of jubilee I don't remember but I remember he was going SUPER VIRAL. I was so fucking happy to just know that he made it to California and then I checked his social medias. Apparently, he was on a reality tv show prior and he had alot more stuff coming out. The last time I seen him on my FYP he was just randomly hanging out with JUSTIN BIEBER??? MFER HUH??
And it's just like I said earlier.... You never know how small this world is. That's why you gotta believe in people and believe in yourself. Because it could be YOU.
Like one of my friends apparently went viral and was on Ellen? Like he was meant to become a huge popular musician right? but he just choose not to be. Dude went insanely viral like... Makes you sit and wonder.
and that's not even half the stories I have that are similar to that.
Save Tonight By Eagle-Eye Cherry
I was making breakfast for me and my mom like I do every morning. I tend to make these really good peanut butter smoothies that she loves because she ask me to make them for her daily. Sometimes, I prefer to drink coffee in the morning so I will use the left over smoothie to make myself a smoothie bowl with oats and chocolate chips. Kind of cracked. Kind of better than literally any sweets you can buy on the markets. I mean RAW sugar from the source.
While, I was making these I had a thought run across my mind like a rabbit running through a field. The world is so so small. I mean, everyone is connected to everyone. There is this theory that you are always two connections away from someone and I don't think it's that far off. Even roblox made a game that would show your connections and how far/close you are from another player.
But, I really had this thought mainly because I had a converstation with an older friend and I asked them in particular if they knew someone. To my surprise, they did. Not only DID they - that person ALMOST ended up becoming part of my friendgroup at the time. But due to an event, that connection was never fully realized. Which makes you think, one different event. One butterfly effect moment, could be the one difference in your entire life that changes everything.
NOT JUST THAT- But ONE SINGLE CONNECTION could lead you down an entire rabbit hole. Like, the alice and wonderland franchise. Think about it. Everyone thought that the mad hatter was insane but he was also one of the only NORMAL humans living in this weird situation with talking animals and doors. Wouldn't that drive anyone insane? I mean really think about it.
The actor- Jim Carrey is known for being a mastermind in acting. One of the greatest actors of our times. Yet, everyone thinks he is insane because he SPEAKS about the truth of reality. People watched the movie "The TruMan Show" and they clapped at the end of it not even being able to inhale the actual meaning of that movie. Similar to something like, Everything Everywhere All at Once. But, the watchers only were able to understand the cute section about "I want to do laundry with you in every lifetime" but missing the entire actual point of everything else that was going on.
The watchers can only understand SO MUCH to the point where it starts to becomes too much capacity wise to hold. It's why everything is always dumbdowned. THINK -
"About 130 million U.S. adults (54% of those aged 16–74) read below a sixth-grade level"
So do you really think the average individual could UNDERSTAND what most directors are trying to convey?
I use to be HUGE into the anime community and I can tell you those fuckers were reading the MANGAS WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED. I STILL BELIEVE THAT TO THIS DAY. BECAUSE NO WAY- let me not start ranting. But, I promise those people were pretty much braindead when it came to literature comprehension. So if they couldn't understand a story that's primarily photos and text- I doubt they could understand something even if directly spoken to them.
This rant kind of lead nowhere to be honest. More so - everyone is connected. people think too small. the answers aren't even hidden.
In Loving Memory By First and Forever
I got rejected as I kind of expected to happen. On some real shit, I was really sad about it and stuff but then I had a realization. One of my friends told me that my issue in relationships is dealing with people who cannot communicate. And just thinking back on this; they are so right. I can write in paragraphs explaining in detail my feelings, whats wrong, and how to fix it.
Yet a man, will literally read it probably fucking skim it then reply back with the most confusing message known to man that makes no sense in context to what I even said. Mfer just put the paragraph in a chatgpt and have it explain it without my fancy metaphors. And no I dont blame the men who I dated that failed to communicate because that's a skill you have to develop. Also, most men are just immature so thats a thing.
I just kind of hate how it's a cycle like the universe was like lol here - you are going to deal with the same thing again how do you wanna respond this time? Mfer I left. I cant deal with that shit anymore like allowing people to have access to me while also just mistreating me. I was left constantly asking questions and having to search for an input rather than just recieving it which is tiring. If they would've just been slightly more honest about their feelings than I could've given alot more leg room but I still left that entire situation feeling like I was being lied to. Which sucks but what can you really expect?
Like I said in a previous thought section- you sometimes just gotta let people learn on their own. Anyways, I am just going to move on entirely. Am I sad? Yes. Do I regret it? Nah I did everything right on my end. After all, I wasn't the one who ended up with the death card overseeing my reading so *shrug*
Despite my rant on the 29th, I decided to tell the person I am in love with that I love them. I kinda went into it feeling like it was a terrible idea nevertheless, at this point... I don't really think it matters. Funny enough, I told my friend prior to doing it and they called me. Coached me through sending the message (they didnt want to read it because they said i should just speak entirely from my heart.) They gave me some advice like take care of your emotional health. And clearly, this has been weighing me down alot. I also directly asked them if I act like a pussy when it comes to liking people and they said yes however it makes sense because I didn't know that I was just going to fall in love with someone completely accidentally.
I don't know how to even explain it like I just caught feelings and it's different from how I normally feel towards people. I thought by 25 I would've already been through something like this and knew how it was suppose to go. I didn't know that these feelings even existed and I barely know how to express them which is ironic coming from me. I think a part of me wants to just bury the idea of love in a grave and act nonchalant. I think another part of me is just a hopeless romantic who wants to be seen. I go between the two lines trying to regulate myself at a baseline but it's difficult. To have hope and to have fear, is almost entirely the same exact feeling because there is fear in hope and there is hope in fear.
I am trying to think very positively about this whole thing but I catch myself feeling negative. Like, I already been rejected multiple times and a pattern is just entirely hard to break. Even the possibility, that they wont even want to speak to me at all. But on the other hand, maybe god will surprise me. Maybe, things do work out and I been fearing the worst. I try to think about other people's relationships that have worked out and that are happy. I like to think that I will get lucky. I also always wondered what person would suit me the best? and I asked my mom this question and she said "someone that can deal with your moods." Yk, that's probably exactly it. Maybe to be seen is just to be known... known on a level that's even intuitive in nature but realistically just a base pattern recogniziation.
But hey!
I finally told someone I love them first after years of struggling to even say I love you to my own family- I didn't even start hugging them until a couple years ago, so that's gotta be worth something?
Letter Home By Childish Gambino
I spoke to some family members today just listening to their stories about relationships - how everyone relationships are failing, how people use others, how people got divorced less than a 5 months into their marriage. Is love really that impossible to obtain? is it really doomed to fail anyways? the idea of love sounds nice but sitting in my own goddamn loneliness just makes me wonder. How fucked over am I going to be when I start dating someone? How fucked am I? Does love even exist anymore? At this point, it just sounds like a twisted fantasy. If everyone gets fucked over anyways than what's even the point of trying at all?
I genuinely might just quit from being a content creator. I fucking can't stand editing. I hate Suffy. I hate doing all this shit. I literally feel like my life is in a fucking pit of hell and I might just call it for real this time. I have been thinking alot and really I might just cancel everything. Retire suffy. Create a whole new persona and live in a different dimension of the internet. I might be happier. It's tiring. I am so so tired.
I really like this
tiktok.
It is a scene in mob psycho where mob helps someone and then tells them that he is a psychic. He says it almost so nonchalantly. I really like it because I wish I was more like mob - Able to be more open about it without feeling like im insane for mentioning it.
I know it's very normal in the hispanic community. I use to be friends with a girl who went by "latin." After a decade of friendship we met, she ended up getting married and we never saw eachother again or contacted eachother. Honestly, If I wanted to reach her- I have no way. Aside from that fact, We use to talk about this stuff alot especially brujeria and tarot. At that time, I actually wasn't even a tarot reader but I just had alot of intuition and my dreams were always very interesting. I also use to frequently interpret other people's dreams for them and it was more than likely usually accurate. Even if the dream was something that I shouldn't have been able to pick it up from but I would go indepth about the meaning and how to fix them.
I remember in my psychology class, my teacher once explained dreams like your mind trying to find a solution to a rubix cube. So you would have dreams that would help solve problems. HOWEVER- dreams are so highly UNDISCOVERED. They are one of the most misunderstood part of psychology which is intriguing when you think about the fact that the human sleeps for a majority of their life. Meaning, the dream realm is ALMOST another verison of YOU. A different reality of some sorts and then on top of that, you can TRAIN to control your own dreams.
You can become the one who facilitates what and who should be happening. ON TOP OF THAT, dreams are just interesting I mean, the fact that your body goes paralyzed almost durning rem sleep but your eyes will spasm? If you were to open someone eyelids durning REM you can literally watch their eyes roll around their head. And yet, we still know so little. And yet, dreams can predict the literal future. So does that mean our brains are slower than our reality? like our brains live in a time period ahead of us but we are unaware because we can't use every part of our brain? OR is our brains just so built like a computer than it can recognize patterns.... but even then.... think about it....deja vu? deja reve? how? and how DOES NO scientist not know unless....someone does.
I am so cooked man.
I have decided to no longer date and I guess just give up on love. To be honest, I probably should've done that along time ago. I met this guy recently, he was probably one of the most attractive men I have ever seen. He was kind - understanding- and he offered to take me out wherever I wanted to go on a date. I, being me, just... answered his call at the last possible minute and told him I was going to bed instead... I slept through the date. I guess the pressure of it probably clicked in my brain and I self sabotaged it.
I don't even know why I always do this - I get almost there and then boom, I blow it. I also ended up ghosting him... my apologies. Why is the start of a relationship always so difficult like relationships are SOOO EASY. They are so easy that they become genuinely BORING. I tend to always have long term relationships, I mean years you know? but why is the start always so ASS for me. I don't know why I always fuck up at the start maybe hoping the person would fuck off or something right? I probably come off as the biggest red flag known to man but then they start dating me right? and then suddenly I am the easiest person to date. I overly give, I show up, I am loyal, I am like a five star gatcha pull when it comes to love that I genuninely start becoming bored in my relationships bc I know how to make the other person happy/ I learn them and then what? you just coexist together and that's nice- dont get me wrong.
I guess it's just like getting there. Getting to the point where I am in a committed relationship and I feel safe. But I just don't think I will find that anytime soon. I was really hoping on the stars that I would find my soulmate. I really want to believe in love, I look at my parents who been together for 33+ years. I think about other people's soulmate stories like their soulmate was just RIGHT there infront of them the entire time and they didnt even realize it?? I look at all the couples around me and it's just like.... Why can't I have that? What is wrong with me...
Self Sabotage by The Waterparks.
nvm im a dumbass
I can't fix you by The Living Tombstone.
Somethimes I think when I speak about spirituality to people it comes off like this video bruh
like... I imagine this LOL
I use to listen to this artist alot in high school. His name is Roy Woods and he is canadian. It's a throwback for me, forsure.
Something New by Roy Woods.
my new motto for mental health, real eyes, realize, real lies.... sit with that one for a minute LMAO
Highkey, I just dont get how people don't get over their exs like how are you sitting there at 5 years still assuming that the person is even slightly still the same. how would you even know the person you use to know is even there anymore? Maybe it's because I treat every breakup like a funeral and I just simply move on without ever contacting the person again once I realize like it's done done. I just don't get it. I was exploring this topic on tiktok today called limerance and I was thinking how it sounds like absolute hell. Like shit I know my crushes are intense but that limerance shit sounds way worse im ngl. it's like similar symptoms but iit just sounds intense like I found out about OCD thinking and Im like man I think alot in circles but some of the involuntary thoughts people have are kind of terrifying - tf u mean u think u are going to die because you forgot to brush ur teeth, that sounds exhausting.
Creep by Anuc LMAOOOOOO
I am so sad
Won't you be my neighbor by Mister Rodgers
I have been kind of confused in my waking life recently. I feel like I am in a place where I feel like im committed to people but also at the same time... I have no commitments? I have been single for a year and even then I have been strickly imprisoned by my own loyalty that makes it almost impossible for me to date around. I think it's kind of dumb honestly because I am single. I don't know how to embrace that and even worse the situation I am in is confusing the absolute fuck out of me. I am like half way in and half way out and that's probably the worst space for me to even be sitting in. Do I pursue other people and meet people? Do I spend all my time waiting for someone who isnt even 100% certain on me. I want to be wanted? I want to be pursued too? I want to feel like I am also someone worth trying for and It's a bit of a sick feeling. I am always either in pursuit or tied down. I don't really know how to date multiple people or run the streets - Maybe when I was 18 but I am much older now as a 25 year old. I just don't want to play games. I try to come off as direct as possible and even that's kicking me in the ass. I don't know what to do, I really have no clue. Why does it make me feel like a bad person if I am not 100% in on someone? I don't belong anywhere anyways... but even that thought confuses me. I dont know what to do anymore I feel like the hanged man tarot card just stuck watching my life go by - stuck in my head. "Should I stay or Should I go?" by The Clash
I like to think that soulmates are an interesting concept. In particular, because I think you have many many soulmates. I think people come into your life to teach you things and you can be grateful for it or resentful. I try not to be resentful to those who have taught me hard lessons. That's a very difficult thing sometimes because I feel like I have enough reason to become a bad person. Yet, I also never want to be a bad person. I don't know if the universe will ever grant me back the kindness I give to others but I am sure that in the end it's all equilibrium. I like to think that soulmates are a nice reward but maybe it's more like - connection that is warm.
It's hard finding warm connections. I tend to be a person who really overthinks alot and I struggle with very shallow people. Friend groups seem almost impossible for someone like me and it's kind of a shame. I sometimes wish I could play the part of being someone who is "the nice easygoing person" but I tend to look at people very deeply which doesn't align well with most. My demeanor in real life is very chill but also because I come off so reserved it's seen as intimidating.
I remember very vividly going to a house party and playing the game stur the pot. The card in particular was "who in this room is the most intimidating" and of course everyone- even the people I haven't even spoken to pointed directly at me. It didn't hurt my feelings but it did sit with me that it's how others percieve me. I have never really saw myself as an intimidating person, I try to be as kind as possible in real life. Open doors for people, If something is crooked or misplaced I will put it back, If someone needs help I will quietly help them, I pay attention to others and try to make sure they are okay.
But, I kind of understand how that aloofness or maybe reserveness can come off. I am very much always in my head and not really about the people around me at all but the people I care about. I can easily spend an entire day just thinking about a single person and it throws everything off. So to others, when I go nonverable or I don't know how to respond or maybe it's my lack of eye contact- It might be precieved as scary. I also tend to get ignored alot by others and then I get the talk of "you need to speak up more" but I try to speak up.
Sometimes, I will say things in my head and forget to say them outloud. I think it makes me come off like I am lying or hidding things but really I just stuggle sometimes with words. I don't mean to come off nonchalant but I really am just very too myself. I don't think it's a negative thing but I also can't see myself from someone else eyes. I know I have been told things like "if you dont look in people eyes than you are avoiding them" but really I just kind of feel too much when I do. I remember as a child, I would be able to look in peoples eyes and just know all their problems. I would know about their family, friends, lover, just by looking in their eyes which is very intense and almost scary.
I mainly kind of stopped once I lost all my self esteem and I just felt uncomfortable by it. I think I always felt uncomfortable by it. I think people don't realize how much their energy affects me and how it sits on me. I don't blame them because it's not their fault. Some people would claim its because of my hyper viligence or because of my empathy or my autism. But I think it's just because of who I am.
I know one of my friends who became my friend not long after that party apologized to me. I think I was suprised by his empathy. He got super drunk and the group of friend he had said he was in the garage passed out. I followed them into the garage and they start throwing random stuff on him, I thought it was funny so I did too but before I realized it.. All of his friends left and he was just there- laying on a couch with a mattress ontop of him and some tissues on his body. I removed everything and I took off my jacket and put it on him. I then went to grab all the blanket and pillows I could find. He then asked me to stay in the garage with him so I went on the opposite couch and laid there. To be honest, It was freezing cold. I didn't have a jacket and I didn't really have anything to sleep with. Some weirdo was trying to flirt with me and clearly cuddle but I didn't want him. my friend who was drunk got up and pretty much intervened and we made that dude leave. Then we spent hours just talking about different things and life. He was telling me about his girlfriend and how much he genuinely loved her. He also apologized about that night because he saw it on my face that I wasn't that thrilled about the stur the pot cards. I pretty much told him that its really no big deal - It's not like it hurt me. I just felt a bit misunderstood but I am use to that.
I guess the point of this entire long rant or whatever is that I think its nice to have soulmates and connections. I think it's nice talking to people and meeting others. But, I also have enough awareness that my personality type just isn't really meant for alot of people. I wonder if I could change that or if I am just meant to have a small group of people who love me for me. Either way, I think the average person just wants to be loved, no? "One Love" by Bob Marley
I have been thinking alot about alot of things and reflecting on my own life. Maybe because of the full moon and mercury retrograde or whatever. A main thought I have alot is about being a content creator. I have probably listened to the song
"Caramel" by Sleep Token
a million times. This song is talking about vessel (the leader singers) struggle with privacy and being a musician. He essentially write how being a musician is a curse and a blessing at the same time and that he is struggling with how to manage these feelings. The feeling of being so disillusioned by the very thing he once loved. Asking his fans or possibly a loved one to stick by him so close that they also start to realize how much of a burden this thing has become to him and how he is losing the feeling of the satisfaction of being an artist. His stage has become a prison, a viewing party to those who watch, and also something he can't fully let go of. Now, why this song is very relevant to me and something that I can't fully shake is because I feel exactly the same exact way.
I have been a content creator since 2012, I have went from different fanbases - different platforms - different means and watched from my own position the way the industry works. I can say for certain it's almost impossible to talk to someone who isn't in the community and who doesn't have the same experiences as me. I think because of this and how I am percieved by love ones that they dont understand the weight I feel like I carry. I am constantly thinking about content creation. I take a shower and it's the only thing on my mind going in circles with different ideas, different videos that I know would perform well, the analytics of how and why. I am a mastermind of my own burden.
I am not bitter much like Vessel but I am restained and stuck. I can't let this thing go, it just wouldn't be able to leave me. It's my only way out of the modern hell but into a strict construction of another hell. Becoming a content creator has made me more and more paranoid of those around me and how others percieve me. I struggle with trusting people let alone letting them close enough to me to even experience that feeling vessel explains in the song. The feeling of being disillused. The feeling of knowing how utterly terrible some people are in this community, The feeling of knowing that it's predatory. The feeling of knowing what really happens at parties, events, business meetings, ect. Often my friends who are much higher in the industry will call me. Probably because I will be the only one who is straight forward with them and ground them in a way other content creators will not. The things, stories, videos, inner knowing is so disgusting. It's disgusting. I am disgusted.
But I love making content. I love creating things and being validated by others for it. I love having a voice and being a voice for the voiceless. But I also struggle even more with this fact. The bigger I grow, the more wrapped up I will become. Do I really want the weight of that? That question doesn't actually matter because no matter how many times I try to walk away- it grips me. I can take a year off and the next year I will swear blood to make sure the project succeeds. My mind/creations are just too NEEDED that I could never remain silent or hidden. It's a sick twisted fantasy almost. Living in the disillusion of a red curtain and knowing I shouldn't be peaking behind it. But that's also why, I tend to gatekeep myself. I think a fear I have is that I will get to a point where they will try to sell my soul. And no not in the way you THINK selling a soul goes. I don't want to be a product while knowing I am completely and utterly a product.
My brand is a product - It is not me. It is not whatever creator you are consuming. It's a curated identity and even with self awareness- that identity is still just that. It's fake. Even the authenty of a creator is always going to be slightly fake to their fans. Like a magician is always going to have a slight hand so the audience doesnt see. Creators are losing the creation and it's turning strictly into a machine. Most creators are heavily carried by their editors - not their personalities or their "authentic self" it's someone elses creativity. And these editors are burning on fumes. I still edit all of my videos, I still try to have process in the things I create. I hope I never become a strict machine that loses its creativity but when is the ravens going to be at my door to the point where I have to?? Where giving up my own autonomy of creation - becomes the only option. That's the soul that's sold. The heart of the project dies. The actors mask falls and people still refuse to believe what's underneath. Being a content creator isnt a beautiful paradise, it's an egotistical death of the soul. That's the utter truth.
It's nice to speaking to smaller creators because they still have that blindfold on so they are so hopeful. Compared, to other creators who are bigger and I talk to them about something outrageous in retrospect but they agree that its completely normal. I mean they have told me much worst so my little amount of insanity could not even touch half of what some of them have been through. And I can't even fully speak the entire truth of my own knowledge anyways. I am grateful for my community, I am grateful to understanding the algorithm, I am grateful for my position. But, I am so entirely burnt out. I spent months trying to find a purpose to pick up the pen and write a new script or to talk to other people in the same lane. But even them, some dont fully understand.
I also just had the rough end of the stick to starting off my career. I started posting tiktoks to showcase funny moments between me and my friends. I lost that entire friend group as soon as I started gaining traction. I became the villian, I became the person who left them behind to pursue this- But I really just wanted a community and friends because I was super depressed and mentally/physically doing really bad. I didn't mean to replace them but I also had to leave once they started cussing me out for an entire hour because my time wasn't spent on them anymore and spent on editing or with other creators filming.
Because of this, I moved on and kept making content but by then I realized my own community and how disgusting it was. It was tainted. My creativity was dying, My connections to others was on a thin rope. People were fans becoming friends and then treating me like a character rather than a human. They walked over my boundaries, They used me, They made me a joke and I couldn't do much except tell them goodbye. (I thought I had a friend at one point and they made whimpering audios to me without my consent and I had to disturbingly find thoses.) And that's only a tad bit.
I kept trying- I switched communities, I tried to make friends but being friends with other creators was very difficult because of their own envy and hate they had towards me. I could smell it everytime they congratulated me or even WORSE made comments that made me feel inferior. Down playing my own success, Down playing me as a human, Down playing my own experiences. It's a shame. Truly, I can't explain my own issues to people without being seen a liar by them. That's a burden in itself when you already feel so fucking alone and working your fucking ass off.
I wanted this so badly, Badder than most people would ever put into trying. I spent nights, days, sleepless into this shit. A part of me is pissed that I put so much of my soul into it. A part of me loves the fact that I put so much of my soul into this. Its bittersweet. I have met some people I wouldn't trade for the world but even then, a part of me is waiting for the cards to flip. A part of me is waiting for them to put me through the ringer like other content creators and fans have. I feel even paralyzed to edit videos and I feel like a failure in the sense that their is sucha expectation that I could even possibly live up to. I want to post. I want to show up. I want to devour. I want the same desire I use to crave but I feel like I am paralyzed by how much I also hate everything.
I hate Suffy. I truly hate Suffy. It's not even my fault partly- Because she is just a curation but who even am I when I am not her.
I had a crisis over this particular issue. I had a realiztion that if I wasn't Suffy - I was no one. My entire phone was full of people who loved Suffy but they didn't love me. So, much like I always do, I burned that bridge. My phone now is drier than the sahara desert. It's kind of sad but I know that if I kept playing Suffy the character to everyone anyways I would still feel the same amount of loneliness maybe even more. And even know, I know the people who do speak to me probably also only see me as Suffy.
I wonder, if they even know my real name. I wonder that if the people I love even see me more than just that. It's not a brag, it's very sad. I think that's why a part of me craves to eventually leave the internet and hide into the abyss. Because, this internet stuff is killing who I am outside of a persona, It's killing to know that without it I probably would be completely alone. I can't turn it off. This is just me. But it's not like many other people could completely understand that and I hope they never do.